Trojan Hoarse

With all their defences up, with the strongest barricade of all the Greek city states, the Trojans still had their weaknesses. They were manipulated by Agamemnon's army, which invaded full force with their skilled archers, who aimed their bows and began shooting arrows upon arrows at the city of Troy.
It feels like a miniscule, invisible version of Agamemnons army invaded my throat. Unbeknownst to me, my defences were shot and they snuck in. I can feel the shooting arrows, only pricking and causing no long term damage, but miserable and frustrating in the moment. And my only defence is to preserve my energy... Not so simple when you can't get a full nights sleep becasue they just won't let up.
I had to call in back up. The defence forces of Antibiotica have arrived! Let's hope they gain momentum soon, I can't afford to spend the rest of the week watching reruns of old American sitcoms, and essays don't write themselves... Evil Agamemnon, go away!!

Me, the Church, and I.

I am now officially convinced that I have a future with the church...
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not planning to join a convent or anything equally idiotic, anytime soon. Not that they’re in the habit of accepting unrelenting atheists into their halls of sobriety and sworn abstinence. But I believe that the universe has been giving me signals that I simply can’t ignore. And they’re becoming more frequent...
It all started in 8th grade when I was first introduced to the Bible by a woman whose job it was to save me. Then a few years ago, I was approached by a Melkite priest to speak at some ‘religious tolerance’ type seminar, you know, giving the Christian Arab women a voice. Last month, this same priest accidentally called me, and asked me to participate in another such seminar; a request I politely ignored. And yesterday, out of the blue, I was asked to be the translator in a (Greek Orthodox?) Church Divorce proceeding. I actually agreed to that out of sheer curiosity, but it was postponed, I kinda hope they call back.
None of this would be a big deal, if I were an average church go-er, but I haven’t been inside a church for anything other than a wedding or a funeral, or tourism, since high school... I think! Even then it was Palm Sunday, and I went to see ‘the people.’ That could be a form of tourism, or more elaborately, an educational social study type observation, of the mating rituals of Arab Christian heterosexuals. The really ironic thing is, they don’t even get to me through my parents, who I can only assume have no recent church going memories either. They just find me... Most recently through our office accountant!
It began to occur to me that maybe I shouldn’t ignore all the signs, as in maybe, the fates were bringing them to me. Maybe I should consider that the Jordanian Christian Churches might be a powerful ally in this country. Or maybe I’m the chosen one, meant to wear a giant cross and go preaching through all the hixville states about how the infidels have taken our land, and our Lord the Saviour, will prevail, and our land, the Holy land will be returned... A stretch? Then again, maybe my disdain for the church has triggered the forces of ‘the laws of attraction,’ a new theory to further ponder. Or maybe, I should get a life and a job, and quit letting my imagination influence my sanity.

Highschool Flashback!!

Last night, about eight years after graduation, I received an unexpected call from my high school counsellor, ‘Hi, you may not remember me, but I remember you, we’re having a discussion about drugs tomorrow morning at the assembly, and none of the former students I spoke to can make it...’
It clicked, ‘Little Miss Priss gave you my number didn’t she? 8.00 am? Let me give you Oracle’s number, u should call him!’ He bailed on me that night, the thought of making him answer to the school counsellor, was oddly amusing, eight years after graduation. But divine justice did not prevail and he didn’t take her call. And I kinda felt sorry for the woman who still genuinely believed the students took her seriously after so many years. So at about 10pm when she was at her wits end, I agreed to make an early morning appearance at the school assembly to discuss...envision the drum role... DRUGS!!!
I met up with the girls that night, and told them I would be enlightening the students the following morning... They sympathised gleefully.
That night I couldn’t sleep. I’d like to say I was tossing and turning in anticipation of the following mornings event, but I really think it had more to do with my development of the consistently inconsistent sleep patterns of the unemployed.
I rolled out of bed at 7.30, too early by anybody’s standard, and particularly for me, with my recent nocturnal tendencies. Leggings, heels, mascara, scorching hot coffee practically inhaled, in the car, on the way, on the phone to warn Miss Psych that I’ll be ten minutes late.
I walked into the theatre, where Mr Psych- was making the introductions and informing the students that I would hopefully be joining them as well, at which point I walked to my spot on stage, to an audience of cheering hormonal teenage boys. Another former student started the ‘talk’ with a boring lecture of the evils of drugs, followed by an anology by Mr. Psych-. Then a 10th grader gave a speech of his experiences visiting the rehab center, followed by Jordan’s recent OD stats, courtesy of Mr. Psych-. Then there were 5 minutes left at which point, I was to wrap it up! Suffice it to say, Mr. Psych- was not happy, ‘The 9th and 10th graders lack the maturity to interpret what you said as a warning...’
I disagreed. It really doesn’t take much to interpret, ‘you will probably try it, you are not invincible, and it will alter your brain chemistry.’ The fact that I framed it with some humour only ensured that they listened, as opposed to tuning me out. The Dean of Students confirmed my point, ‘when you were talking, you could’ve heard a pin drop.’ Psych- interrupted me, he cut me short, and I gave him a piece of my mind afterwards.
The kids were left with so many unanswered questions, and the administration of the most established school in Jordan was too narrow minded to hold an honest and open discussion with them. Although, I do have a feeling they’re gonna invite me back. I’ll go on the condition that Psych- not interrupt me when I speak, a courtesy I afforded him.
On my way to the car, some 11th graders thanked me, and as I was walking into my house, Miss Psych called me to admit that I was right, and as it turned out, they hadn’t given the 9th graders enough credit. Shocker!

The Universal Quest

Yes, Yes, Yes, No, Yes! In search of the G-spot...

I think the article speaks for itself!!

Betting against Bitter

‘I don’t know what happened, he thinks I don’t really care, but I do, I’m just not dramatic about it!’ Pixie was clearly hurt.
Busy B nodded sympathetically, ‘Each one takes something away from the next,’ she wasn’t being metaphorical, ‘one guy took away phone calls, the one after him, text messages.’
‘It’s not fair that they do this to us!’ No it’s not. We’re fishing in a tiny pool, almost a puddle, where the big fish think they’re sharks.
‘How ironic that almost anywhere else in the world, the three of us combined would have a following,’ I made my contribution.
‘It’s true, we’re pretty, we’re fun, we’re as educated and intelligent...’ the irony is Pixie told me who his last girlfriend was, and she was bland, as in blech. Pixie’s awesome!
‘He’ll be back,’ I told her, ‘it’s the grass is greener phenomenon, and he’s not gonna do better!’ I meant it.
‘But I don’t know if I want him back!’ he hurt her, he didn’t mean to, they never do. And they do come back, almost always, but you can’t help feeling less satisfied, much less in love, ‘they’re taking the fantasy away from us, and it’s just not fair!’
We don’t have to take them back, but we usually do, there are only so many of them here. It’s a choice between, the place you live with a man who just about appreciates you vs. Almost anywhere else in the world with a man who adores you. No, I’m not deluded, I know it’s out there, I’ve had it before!
It’s strange here, you’re only as good as your family is appropriate, and if you’re a girl, the degree of appropriateness is directly proportional to the degree of pressure exerted on the poor lost soul who can’t make up his mind. Which in all fairness to him, is probably because it’s too early on anyway for a decision engraved in stone, but you have to at least walk in with an open mind and an open heart. If you’re looking for a million and one reasons to stay away, I can give you a million and two for each of us, and only one reason to stay... Because you want to!
Busy B’s boy complained that all the other girls come across as one thing, and then I guess, devolve to another, and so things end. I guess that’s kind of like seeing a butterfly metamorphose back into a caterpillar. Caterpillar’s can be pretty too. I know this for a fact because I saw one when I was about 9, and I thought so then, and kids are always right about these things. Maybe the boys have been overexposed to butterflies, and innately need them to be real. Some guys actually look for the caterpillars, I’ve seen that too, others are mortified and move on to the next butterfly.
And the de-stressing continued, amidst laughter and raised eyebrows of course, you have to see the humour in life or it can become exhausting.
We end up feeling like we’re settling... It’s funny how the cream of the crop feels like settling...
I guess it comes down to the way they make you feel. You’re not enough, you never will be, but nobody ever will be... Not until they’re ready to be vulnerable, embrace another person’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and risk getting hurt, again... I’m sure they have in the past, before they became this...
Am I bitter? Nah... Disappointed maybe... Not so much for myself, I always manage with men. And they will always manage with men, they’re phenomenal girls! But it’s upsetting to watch them have to play games, patronise and baby sit the thirty-something year old men, that they would prefer to just love.

Jealousy: Nature vs. Nurture?

To summarise the article:

Evolutionary theory: Men are more concerned with sexual fidelity because they need to ensure the biological identity of any offspring; women are more concerned with emotional fidelity, because if the guy sticks around, their offspring has a better chance of survival.
New Findings: Men are more likely to be concerned with sexual infidelity, but not in all cases, and women are more likely to be concerned with emotional infidelity, but not in all cases.
New Theory: A direct link between attachment styles and the type of jealousy displayed.
So a person with a secure attachment style, will form deeper bonds and be more concerned with emotional infidelity, but a person with a dismissive style of attachment, values their independence more, and is more concerned with sexual infidelity. The latter is a defensive type of attachment, where deep connections are not formed to avoid feelings of vulnerability, but the theory is the person still values their connection to others, which result in the existing feelings of jealousy.

Why I disagree with the article...
I absolutely agree that evolutionary theory has no real basis in psychology. The only reason hunter-gatherer logic from four thousand years ago would apply today is that gender roles had only slightly changed up until very recently, and only on a surface level. DNA test were not available and women couldn’t support their offspring entirely alone, at least not with the social restrictions that were implemented for the last several hundred years, in most of the world.
But the article conveniently leaves out a comprehensive explanation of attachment styles. It implies that adults are influenced by their early childhood development and that parents can influence the future attachment styles of their children, but it doesn’t explore the implications further.
Secure attachment styles are preferred, and form a healthy self-esteem and independence in young children that results from the right kind of parenting. Toddlers that don’t fear abandonment form secure attachment styles. To simplify, they are the children that can be dropped off at day care without making a fuss, because they know that they will be picked up by their parents at the end of the day.
Anxious-Ambivalent attachment styles were not mentioned in the article, but they are displayed by clingy, overly jealous adults. This is due to the early childhood experience of having unpredictable and inconsistent care, by adults who were warm and interested at times, but distracted and unavailable at others.
The other attachment style mentioned, and the only one left, is avoidant attachments, referred to in the article as ‘dismissive.’ These children learnt that there was no point in depending on others, so they were suspicious and angry, and avoided their mothers even when they were scared.
The observations of the psychologists were that most men were more jealous by sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity, which is then attributed to an avoidant attachment style... Do you see where I’m going with this?
Social psychologists will either have to rethink their ‘Attachment Styles’ theory or the way that they link it to jealousy, because there is no way that the majority of men were shunned by their parents, while the majority of women were properly looked after. Most kids have siblings, and parents are unlikely to treat their male and female children that differently. Yes, there are some conscious and subconscious ways that parents express gender bias, but it’s hardly believable, that it would extend to the bonds they form with their children. Nor is it believable that, in general, little girls are more ‘secure’ than little boys.
On the other hand the attachment style link to jealousy does make some sense when controlling for gender differences, and may be more applicable to women than men. If I were to give some credit to the researchers for linking the innate need of independence with relationship attachment styles and ‘nurture’ as opposed to ‘nature’, I would factor in social differences as the child grows through adolescence and early adulthood, and the differing social expectations that are then attributed to the two genders. Men are judged by their success and power, often independently achieved, which makes them more conscious of that. Men could feel stifled by women who have a way of insisting on monogamous relationships, making them cling more desperately to their independence. Maybe men don’t form more intimate connections as frequently for fear of losing that independence, and basically because they just don’t want to, as opposed to ‘can’t’ form them; and when they want to, they will. And the same applies to women, some women are more career oriented and focused, and they are not particularly bothered by the ‘emotional bonds’ their partner forms at appropriate times of the day in appropriate places. Mostly because they don’t have that much time to care, and probably never spent enough time getting carried away with the emotions; or maybe they’re just particularly pragmatic women that value the social implications of a particular relationship, derive social support and sexual gratification from that relationship, but were never so blown away that they felt capable of connecting with that particular person on a deeper level. In such a case, a sexual indiscretion is a betrayal, a public indiscretion is a huge betrayal, but an emotional indiscretion is something she doesn’t quite relate to with him in particular.
As a woman, I personally feel that a sexual indiscretion is a more tangible betrayal than an emotional one. Where do u draw the line between friendship and betrayal, if there’s no physical expression? Women tend to notice when other women have different plans for their men, but many men remain unaware of anything beyond the pure intentions of a supportive friend, who they might then develop feelings for. I think that’s probably the reason many women go crazy and complain of emotional betrayal. Whereas the few men that do have similar complaints, are probably connected with their women on a deep enough level to realise they’re losing them, long before an indiscretion becomes sexual, because women tend to withdraw emotionally first. So maybe jealousy is less about the general attachment style, but rather, the current attachments of the relationship in question.
Just my own theory! :)

The Shishiyayas!!!

The ice princesses of West Amman have a certain untouchable feminine allure that many men find irresistible. They embody all that is ‘superficial’ and ‘aloof,’ theoretically negative traits, but strangely successful characteristics in attracting the opposite sex. They are ‘Rules’ girls, putting Fein and Schneider to shame with their tactics, all under the guise of class and nonchalance.
How do I know it’s an act?
Well, first of all there’s the science of it all. The female brain is very different from that of the male brain, we’re wired differently. We analyze emotions and behaviour. We use different parts of our brain when we interact with people, we see expressions men don’t see and we hear tones men don’t hear. The theory is that women had to evolve differently for survival, which may very well be, but that doesn’t change who we are today. A large part of our behaviour, the wiring of our brains and the way we socialize, is determined by hormones. This applies equally to men, the crucial difference being, which hormones dominate. Men, while largely affected by testosterone and vasopressin, don’t endure the hormonal cycles that women do on a monthly basis. It’s not that evolution favoured the emotional instability of a gender, but that in the past, women were mostly always pregnant, from puberty through to menopause, if they lived that long, and rarely had to endure the same type of fluctuations that we deal with today. Women experience more highs and lows then men can begin to relate to, and a large part of their self-esteem is based on the success of their relationships, with family, friends and men. Men are judged by how they provide and what they accomplish, a completely different mindset.
Are we destined to always be different? Probably not! Recent findings show that women in more competitive career fields have higher levels of testosterone, and the daughters of career women have higher levels of testosterone than those of stay at home mothers. There’s reason to believe that achievements trigger the release of the hormone, and women pass it on to their daughters as a trait in pregnancy. So it probably won’t take too many generations to equalize the situation to suit modern trends.
The second reason, I know beyond a doubt that it’s an act, is because I have friends who fall into that category. Women are not calm and collected individuals, and the only way they can be genuinely nonchalant about a ‘prospect’, is if they don’t like him as much as someone else. Their nonchalance in such situations is not motivated by their extra-curricular interests or full life, it’s motivated by their lack of interest in the individual in question. In the rare case where the girl genuinely doesn’t care and she still ends up with the person, it is usually out of negativity and resignation. Not because the competitive forces of maledom have won again.
My ice queen friends have lectured me on appropriate behaviour, when to call and when to ignore. I have been told to pretend not to care even when, deep down I was experiencing volcanic eruptions. Is it healthy to internalize anger? Wait for it to build up, until.... Ur married, and he’s stuck?!
The rules are not that complicated... Appear good, conservative, overbearing, spiritual if not religious, aloof, aloof, aloof! Rarely drink, except in extreme moderation, don’t laugh but smile appreciatively, sit cross-legged with your back straight and always leave early. While you’re at it, never form any real connections with people, they might think you’re human. And be sure to make men feel insecure with your patronizing gaze. Unless you’ve reduced them to insecure, fumbling teenagers, you’re royally off track.
These women can be unbelievably irritating, and yet we’re supposed to imitate, replicate, reproduce their image, their facade. My friend refers to them as shishipoopoos, I’m not sure where she picked up that term, but if she made it up, I prefer shishiyayas. I don’t like saying pooh, it makes me feel like an English toddler. We don’t deny their intelligence, their will or control, or the existence of their imperfect parallel lives and hidden personalities. We just don’t like being compared or categorised with them, and we certainly don’t want to be them. Although, maybe we should strive to be them, it’s clearly a formula that works. I don’t think I’m ‘smoothe’ enough, and I’ll quote my friend here, ‘Every time I try to play games, I come off looking like an idiot.’ I can’t imagine withholding my personality until some future date when it’s finally allowed to surface with all its stored up venom, and if I were a guy, I’d be more afraid of the girl who keeps it all in. Don’t get me wrong, crazy is crazy, and if you think a girl is crazy, run for your life, you don't want to go there! But here’s how you can tell the difference, nobody’s perfect, and if you think they are, and they have no faults, then you just haven’t made it past the first wall of resistance. I can promise, that behind the porcelain smile, is a very head strong and intelligent woman playing a high stakes game.