She inspires...


'Still I Rise' by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

The Secret.

Who's read the secret? I haven't, I watched the documentary instead.
It was no doubt highly exaggerated, and 'glamorised' almost. But, I liked the two main concepts.

Concept 1: You make ur own luck.

Concept 2: Positive thinking is fundamental.

They suggested you make an individual corkboard with magazine cutouts of ur ideal future life. Of course, in their highly exaggerated version of events, ur corkboard will come to life, almost identically to the way you planned it, through the channeling of ur positive vibes and wants to the universe; which in turn channels its own energies to make ur dreams come true.
The more pragmatic explanation of why this method might work is, when u put ur dreams down on paper (or corkboard) in words or pictures, you begin to really visualize your dreams and formulate your goals. Once you actually have specific goals, it becomes easier to do something about them, and possibly achieve them. Positive thinking also means that you're not putting yourself down. Your own positive reinforcement, helps you actively make your dreams come true.

My friend and I tried it... To some extent it worked for both of us, we're both in a better place now, than we were then. But, it's been a year, I'm in another city... A new corkboard might be in order. For now, I think I'll just try reformulating my goals on paper - thats also proven to help me in the past.

Emotional baggage?

They say you shouldn't recycle men, that people break up for a reason. Normally, I would agree with that. But what if it was never a real break up, or even a real relationship... And what if you don't have room in your heart for anymore men. You're not in love with anyone, but you don't really have the strength for it, at least not with someone new. With an old guy, there are very few surprises, you know what to expect. Plus you've already let them in, they already have a place in there. I could meet a guy, enjoy his company, go out with him, maybe more... But I won't be able to care. I miss being the me that could care, could fall in love, sometimes I feel that 'me' has been replaced by the egomaniac me, who likes a challenge, maybe needs to prove a point, but can't really care for anyone new. For me to fall in love again, I would need a high flying alpha male (to satisfy egomaniac me) - and here's the catch - that I can trust. The younger me only needed a nice guy and mutual attraction. Is this long lost naivete and ability to fall wildly, madly, instantly in love irretrievable? I miss it. Although, I no longer beleive in it. Was I was hurt in the past? Time and numerous failed attempts at relationships could have amassed to something resembling hurt. But I've also had my fair share of good experiences, which is more than what many people get in their lifetimes. I'm drained, exhausted by it, exhausted by the attached social and personal expectations of it. New relationships appeal to me about as much as the plague right now. And yet old ones... the sense of comfort that comes with the old ones, the idea of being held by someone who already knows me well, whom I know and already (or still) care about, is substantially more appealing. You may think I'm not entirely over some of the men in my past, and you might be right, but I don't feel like I'm clinging to a lost love, as much as the feelings I had attached to certain individuals that I'm unlikely to redistribute anytime soon...

'Twas the summer of '08 (Part1)

Last summer will without a doubt go down in my own personal history as a time of substantial 'social growth' or 'personal degeneration' - I'm not sure which.
It was a time when, I accepted and embraced West Amman, as the distorted modern twist of 19th century gentility that it truly was. I played the role of a 19th c. socialite to the best of my ability, resulting in a near nervous breakdown, but hey, nothings perfect. Of course in our version, the woman gets to drink herself numb and act erratically, without the fear of Freudian labeling. This is a society where people (men and women alike) plot to marry well. Where women are mainly judged by their appearance, background and often wealth, and men, mostly by their wealth. It's a society that still harbours very real beliefs in old and new money, and social status; where maids and drivers are simply a way of life... but all this, under the modern umbrella of sex, drugs and eating disorders. I wrote a lot of very random things during this phase of my life, usually on scraps of paper, some i saved, but they are mostly lost. No great loss, their was very little depth in me that summer, and what little depth I had, was certainly not expressed in social commenteries. This was a time when my life revolved around my hair, make up, nails and clothes... Do I regret last summer? No, not really... I didn't know I had it in me to be 'that person' successfully. I met a lot of amazing people, that I would have never gotten to know as anyone else. Then again, I moved to London, and every so often I'll have to go home and be 'her' again, but mostly I can be a more real version of me, with priorities that go beyond the absolutely superficial. I learnt a few valuable lessons too... Little lessons that you know, but never really know, until you experience them firsthand.
In future entries, I'll tell you more about last summer, but for now, I think I'll finish my morning coffee.

Flower Power

Directly from Wikipedia:

"There are about 70 species of water lilies around the world. Water lilies are rooted in soil in bodies of water, with leaves and flowers floating on the water surface. Water lilies are divided into two main categories: hardy and tropical. Hardy water lilies bloom only during the day, but tropical water lilies can bloom either day or night, and are the only group to contain blue-flowered plants."